Building On Sand
by Zanaril
Summary: Real demons can hurt you, but it's the inner demons that make you mad.
1. Making

It was no use. This was not how things were meant to happen.

The book in front of me seemed to blur; for once in my long life, the arcane texts held no appeal. The words and sigils I had so long ago scrawled eagerly across its pages seemed diminished; a useless memento of a past life that had been mine. A life I was forced to leave behind: I snapped the book shut, and the muffled thump sounded an ultimatum in the darkness.

My familiar - Blackwing - was asleep, nesting in my bundled up cloak in the corner of the tent, and not wishing to wake him I left the garment behind as I crawled out into the night. It was cold - the desert at night - and I wrapped my arms around myself, watching my breath mist in front of me. The stars were bright – even without my superior elven vision it would have been enough to get about by. But of course, _I_ could see even better than that; I could see the dunes stretching in every direction like a frozen sea, and for a moment I thought I could see them churning, hear the roar of the ocean. I shook my head. This was not an ocean. By definition of being a desert it lacked water. The roar was my own blood, the sound as it coursed through my veins immense in the utter silence.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" a voice said.

"It is." I replied, and idea that the voice should know what I was thinking seemed laughable. So I did: a small sound that may have only been in my head. But so was the voice so it didn't matter.

It is. What is? "What is?" I asked, although I wasn't sure whether I wanted an answer. The question seemed to be amusing, because someone giggled slightly. It might have been me, but I couldn't be sure.

"Many things are beautiful" the reply came. "Places, people, feelings. Even the ones most people shun. Fear is beautiful. You know the fear you saw in your mate's eyes? Even that was beautiful."

"It was not." I replied, shivering.

"You disliked it because of what you thought it meant; that you would never be able to see your mate again. Never be able to talk to him, touch him, lie together under the stars. You disliked it because you though it meant you could no longer love him."

"Inkyrius hates me now." I protested.

"So? If you love him, why should that matter? It never bothered me."

Another laugh.

"You're evil. You can't love." I told the necromancer. She laughed again, and this time I knew it was not my own voice, although for some reason I yearned to join in.

"Oh, don't confuse goodness and love. Admit it: if you could see that fear again, and the only other option was never seeing him at all, you'd take the first choice."

"I don't enjoy the pain of others." I said, but without much enthusiasm. There seemed little point arguing.

She laughed again, and this time I couldn't help but join in. Suddenly insubstantial fingers wrapped themselves around my neck, twisted painfully in my hair, and Haerta's voice hissed in my ear: "I know what you're really like, elf. You can't deny that the idea didn't cross your mind, hasn't occurred to you every day since. You wouldn't have signed away your marriage so emotionlessly if you didn't think you could take it back as soon as this was over. By force if need be."

"N-no." I choked. The imagined hand on my throat made it hard to breathe, and each breath of freezing air burnt my lungs.

"And why not?" She continued. "He's just a baker. You? You're a powerful master of the arcane, the laws of reality bow before you and so should he."

I felt that I should protest this, but I wasn't sure I wanted to. In some ways, admitting to someone the darker thoughts my mind had begun to stray to recently would be something of a relief. Especially if that someone wouldn't be horrified the way my other companions would be. They already believed me to be deranged.

"It's... appealing." I admitted to myself. The voice chuckled softly, and then Haerta pressed her lips to mine. I kissed back; the odd taste on her lips was intoxicating, the scent of destruction – smoke and blood and decay – clung to her robes even now. We tumbled down onto the soft sand, still locked in an embrace, hands clutching, nails cutting painfully into soft flesh. I was laughing now, laughing and screaming out of pure, unchecked exuberance and pain and-

"V?"

Miss Starshine was standing a few feet away, staring at me lying there in the sand. I slowly uncurled, wincing as the small cuts my nails had left in my skin began to smart. The laughter had gone, because now I was silent.

"...Vaarsuvius?" Haley looked more than concerned. She didn't understand.

"My gods, what are you doing out here? I thought someone was being attacked or something!"

I stared at her blankly. She couldn't understand. She was scared of me; I could see the fear in her eyes.

It was beautiful.


	2. Breaking

It appeared that my unintelligible enunciations had been loud enough to rouse my companions from their beds, and it was Sir Greenhilt who scrambled out of his tent first, sword held ready to fight off a non-existent foe. He stopped when he saw only us - Miss Starshine standing with an arrow nocked and I on my knees in the sand – a look of confusion crossing his dark features. Miss Starshine came forward and tried to help me up, but I shrugged off her assistance. There was nothing wrong with me, I could stand on my own.

"Vaarsuvius, what the hell-" Sir Greenhilt started to ask, but Miss Starshine shook her head sharply and his inquiry faltered. I scowled inwardly at the way they were acting, as though I was an upset child. I was a fully grown elf, decades older than any of them, and they should acknowledge it more often.

"V, are you okay?" Miss Starshine again. Fear was still etched in her face, but now the fear was for me, not for herself. I felt a sudden stab of annoyance.

"I am quite alright." I answered curtly, brushing residual sand off of my robes and meeting her concerned gaze with a defiant glare. She nodded, but evidently did not believe me.

"I think you should go back to bed, V."

I looked around to see that everyone else was returning to their tents, except for Sir Greenhilt who stood watching our exchange. I complied without another word, deciding that further protest would be futile, and re-entered my tent to see Blackwing looking at me questioningly.

"What was that all about?" He asked.

I lay down on my bedroll, facing away from him. "It is not important."

"Was that _you_ laughing like that?"

"I said it is not important!" I snarled, twisting around to glare at the pathetic ball of feathers. He shrunk back, burrowing down into the cloak as though it would shield him from my fury. I turned away again and lay back down.

As I closed my eyes voices floated in through the canvas walls, perfectly clear. "I don't know. V was just curled up on the ground, making that noise."

My ears twitched.

"There wasn't anything else here?"

"Not that I could see." There was a pause and for a moment the only audible sound was a rustling of feathers as Blackwing craned his scrawny neck, trying to hear what else they had to say about me.

"I'm worried, Roy. First there was that thing with the uber-magic or whatever, then running off to fight Xykon alone. Then there was the thing with the 'familiar'. Now this."

"You think V's losing it?"

"I think... just promise you'll keep an eye on V, okay? I think something's happened recently that's bothering V, and being faced with the task that's ahead of us is hardly going to be helping matters."

"I will. It's been a tough time recently for all of us, the least we can do is continue to be there for the rest of the team."

"I suppose. 'Night Roy."

"Goodnight."

I lay there, my face flushed with anger and shame. They pitied me. Me! I who had endured more than any of them, they though me so weak in mind that I needed their protection?! Blackwing was silent. I was sure that he was thinking thoughts similar to the opinions my team members had expressed. As if the mangy animal had any right to think ill of its master in such a way.

"Maybe you should pull a few of his feathers out" the voice whispered on the edge of hearing. Well, maybe I should.

I emerged from the tent as soon as the sunlight could be seen through the canvass, to find that as usual I was the first to rise. After the night's events I had finally fallen into a trance, lost in memories that surfaced, then slipped away between my fingers. I gazed across the dunes at the rising sun, the light tinted rose pink from some distant sand storm. The air was still cool, but the sun's rays were already warm on my face and I enjoyed the feeling, knowing that once she ascended high enough to burn I would have to shield myself from the heat.

"A red sunrise, how lovely."

I twisted around in surprise, but saw only Blackwing hopping out of the tent, stretching his wings. He saw me looking at him, and tilted his head to the side slightly. "What?" he questioned, eyeing me strangely. His voice was a coarse rasp, perfectly understandable but still animalistic and distinct.

I turned away. "Nothing."

"Look, I'm not judging you. I know better than they do what you've been through recently and if you're a bit stressed it's perfectly understandable. I'm sure your team mates would be happy to help if you need some emotional support at the mo-"

"'Emotional support'?!" I exclaimed incredulously. "You think my problems to be of the type that can be solved with a friendly conversation and a cup of tea?" I snorted humourlessly at the idea. "I care not for your misguided analysis of my mental state. There is nothing wrong with me, save that I am surrounded by people who will not respect my need for occasional solitude."

For a moment, it seemed Blackwing would try to argue further, but he simply snapped his beak shut once with an exasperated clack and spread his wings. "I'm gonna go and fly around for a bit, see if I can see anything from higher up." he said, rising into the air. A few seconds later he was just a black speck against the sky.

Finally! Some peace and quiet!

My mood suddenly having lightened considerably, I brought my spellbooks and components out of the tent and settled down on the sand to prepare my spells. As soon as the rest of them awoke I wouldn't have a moments respite while I was in their company. I resolved to enjoy it while I could.

By the time I had finished, I had almost put the previous night's events entirely out of mind. With any luck, the rest of the Order would have too, and there would be no need to pursue the issue further. Thinking back, the Halfling had been nowhere to be seen. I had never been more grateful at the miniature psychopath's slothfulness, since it had undoubtedly saved me what would a have been an unpleasant ordeal. His efforts to annoy me bordered on obsession, and at times it had seemed even physical threats did nothing to deter him. Worse than the mere inconvenience of his attention was the probable motivation behind it; he was a self-admitted hedonist and it was all too easy to speculate the type of enjoyment he gained from tormenting me. The mere thought made me shiver, even in the rising heat.

However my hopes of continuing as if nothing had happened were soon dashed. I couldn't have missed the shared look that Sir Greenhilt and Miss Starshine gave me, the way they stared then quickly looked away when they saw I had noticed them. In fact, I tried my best to ignore them, but every time I turned away from them I could feel their eyes on my back, watching, wary. My fingers twitched every time they spoke to each other - or to anyone else – in a lowered voice. As always, they underestimated my hearing, and although I couldn't always hear their exact words I heard my name spoken enough times to be sure that I was the main topic of discussion.

The day was uneventful. Not even a random encounter or unlikely quest hook arose to distract from the tedium of stumbling across the sand. It was times like this I really did curse my ill choice of class – if only I could teleport we might bypass much of this tedium. Or if they could all spontaneously learn how to fly – both were equally improbable. Eventually, exhausted and footsore - ears still ringing from Elan's 'motivational' songs - someone called to stop for the day. Miss Starshine and the idiot bard collapsed down on the sand together, to be followed more decorously by the rest of the Order. I, however, had no wish to engage in their mundane conversation so I retreated a short distance away to begin assembling my tent.

But alas, it seemed they would not allow me even that, and it was barely a minute later that I heard an approaching shuffle of sand.

"-that much worse when your face is only one damn foot away from it. Hey ears, you're not going to go on a midnight stroll again are you? "

I froze, and the tent pole I was holding slipped from my fingers. I made a lunge for it, managing to catch hold of the light canvas before the whole assemble collapsed. I took a deep breath.

"You were asleep. You do not know about that. You _cannot_ know about that."

"Ears, you don't survive when you're this unpopular without being a light sleeper."

I turned to him. "You lie. Someone told you."

The Halfling held up his hands in what for anyone else would be a gesture of innocence, but on him it was merely comical. "Like anyone tells me anything. Nah, you woke me up. Don't do it again; this Halfling needs his beauty sleep."

"They told you, without my consent. They have no right to talk about me behind my back!"

He raised an eyebrow. "Nope, didn't. Although I do wonder what you were doing. Lying on the ground with your clothes all ruffled up, someone might think-"

He didn't need to finish the sentence; his grin did that perfectly well. The disgusting little pervert.

Magic flared up around my hands. It rolled up my throat and off of my tongue as I spoke the words that sent a spell to halt his voice. Power unwilling to be left dormant pounded inside my head; I snatched up another spell from my memory and sent that out too. And there were so many more.

Ah. How exhilarating to be in control again. I couldn't have stopped if I'd wanted too.

Strong hands grasped my arms. The spell I was casting faltered, left my mind incomplete and useless as my hands were unable to complete their work. I twisted against the grip, but suddenly I was powerless again.

"Vaarsuvius! Stop!"

Defeated, I stopped.

It was a long moment before Sir Greenhilt's hands loosened their hold; when they finally did I took a step away and kept my gaze fixed on the ground at my feet, not wanting to have to face whatever was next.

I heard someone move over to the Halfling – or whatever remained of him. "He's still alive. Durkon!"

Haley.

"Aye, move over so I can see 'im."

"What do you think you were doing?!"

I realised the question had been directed at me and I raised my gaze slightly. Mr. Thundershield was applying healing spells; Sir Greenhilt was audibly grinding his teeth. "He provoked me." I answered truthfully.

"Damn it Vaarsuvius. That doesn't allow you burn other party members within an inch of their life! No matter _who_ they are!" He gave a meaningful glance at the unconscious Halfling. "I thought you were cleverer than this. Can't you understand that I absolutely cannot have party members trying to _kill_ each other?"

"Fine then. I will leave."

"...What?"

The words had escaped my mouth unintentionally, but I grasped onto them willingly enough. "I will leave. If I am not wanted here, so be it."

"That isn't what I meant and you know it."

"I beg to differ. You expressed your concern about party members attempting to dismember each other; the obvious solution therefore is for me to no longer be a member of this party."

"Vaarsuvius, we need you here!"

I glared at him "That may be, but I have no wish to remain with a group of people who do not respect my privacy, do not respect by ability, and do not respect me!"

Sir Greenhilt stared at me blankly for a moment. "Will you at least wait until tomorrow before you deciding to do anything?"

I stood my ground

"Please, V?" He added meekly.

With a snort I turned away from him. "Fine, but you will see that my decision will not have changed by morning. "

I headed back to my collapsed tent, dragged it a little further away, and set about assembling it once more. I was spreading out my bedroll when Blackwing appeared at the entrance.

"You're _leaving_?!"

"Correction: **we **are leaving."

Blackwing scratched his wing with his beak, as though something was irritating him. Maybe he had fleas.

"I don't believe this. Running away again."

I stiffened. "I am not running." Not running.

"Is this the kind of thing you're going to accept from your familiar?"

"No!"

"Fine, whatever you want to call it." Blackwing said, ignoring the third voice. "The fact is you're shirking your duty."

I laughed at that. "My _duty_? Opinion is divided recently as to what exactly my 'duty' is."

"I wouldn't accept this kind of behaviour from a useless bird."

"Your duty is not to be the selfish, impulsive idiot you've been recently, and to use your magic for something worthwhile!"

"KILL IT!"

Blackwing snapped his beak shut immediately, maybe realising he'd gone too far. My fingers curled slightly; he saw, and a second later he was gone into the night.

The next morning dawned without further event.

By that point they had, of course, all been against my continued contribution to the quest. Maybe it was out of concern, and they considered it 'fer yer own good' as Mr. Thundershield would have phrased it. Some small part of me realised that my behaviour recently _had_ been somewhat peculiar, but it was a slight transgression compared to their own eccentric vices, and a singular one following a long history of nothing but diligent dedication to the same cause for which we all toiled.

Or maybe they were scared of me.

Perhaps I should have been more insistent; after all, the successfulness of their quest would decide the fate of the entire world - a world in which I currently resided. But if I must be honest, I admit I had long since tired of their company, and having to constantly refrain from showing them painfully and exactly what I felt of them _was_ wearing my patience somewhat thin.

But calling me insane? I was laughable; I found myself grinning at the absurdity of it.

I could always scry on them and rejoin the party at a later point if needed, assuming they did not eventually realise their mistake themselves and take the initiative in contacting me, something which I knew them to be perfectly capable of doing. I was not unwilling to accept an apology. If anyone were to regret this decision - I reassured myself as a packed away my spellbooks and scrolls - it would be them.

Yes, I thought, I would certainly be the one to get the last laugh. I chuckled softly.

Sir Greenhilt approached me as we concluded packing the tents, giving me an odd look.

"V..."

I straightened up from tying my pack and met his eyes. "My decision regarding my commitment to the group has not changed, if that was to be the nature of your inquiry."

He regarded me for a moment with an oddly lost expression, before sighing softly and continuing. "Okay V. We'll take you to the next settlement" He said. "And we'll find someone to provide any help you need from there."

What does he think I am?

"Thank you for your concern." I replied sourly, "But I am well able to make my own arrangements and I will be departing present company shortly." I had prepared a Flight spell that morning for this exact purpose.

"V, we'd be happier if we left you somewhere we know you'll be safe."

Have they all forgotten the magnitude of the power I wield? He was looking at me with concern that would normally be reserved for an invalid, and suddenly the desire gripped me to send a Fireball directly into his face. I imagined him screaming in pain, his flesh shrivelling and cracking, peeling away from charred bone. Something of this must have shown in my expression because he hastily backed away from me. A wise decision. I turned back to the half dismantled tent and finished folding it and packing it into a neat bundle.

However, despite their faults, I had travelled with them for long enough that I would not leave without a farewell. Especially to Miss Starshine, whom - despite our recent disputes – I had counted as a friend for longer than I had any of the others. With this in mind, I walked over to where they were gathering, Blackwing perched respectably on my shoulder and my head held high. I would not allow them to pity me.

"Miss Starshine?"

She turned to face me, looking worried. "Roy said you weren't travelling with us to the next town. Why not V?"

"Because I am obviously no longer wanted here!" I exclaimed, gesturing wildly and almost knocking my familiar off of his makeshift perch; Blackwing had returned sometime while I was trancing. I had briefly considered disposing of him, but the bird had remained silent, so I decided to be merciful.

Everyone was watching us now, but they were not deserving of my attention and so I ignored them. "I meant what I said yesterday. Goodbye, Miss Starshine. I hope we shall one day meet again in more favourable circumstances." I turned on heel and strode off, effectively silencing further conversation. As I flew off into the air, I heard her shouting something; her own goodbye perhaps, or maybe a plea for me to remain with them. I did not look back, nor did I stop to listen.

I travelled in this fashion for the rest of the day, stopping only once in the heat of the sun to refill my water supply from a small oasis, and also to allow Blackwing to rest. When not travelling on my shoulder, he had spent the journey flying alongside me, and the inhospitable environment seemed to discomfort him more than it did me. Several times he had attempted to converse with me, either through concern or boredom. Each time I had shrugged off his attention until his attempts ceased altogether. Instead, we flew on in silence but for the whistling of the wind as it rushed past heralding us to our destination.

We reached a settlement as night was beginning to fall, for which I was grateful because I had no wish to spend another night out in the desert. It was a small town and like Sandsedge a large proportion of it consisted of tents, although these were clustered around more permanent dwellings. I began looking for accommodation for the night.

It was some time later that Haerta reappeared, suddenly there as I lay in a room at an inn staring up at the cracks in the ceiling. It was a subtle shift in the air, the feeling of someone else being present; I knew it wasn't Blackwing because I'd kicked him out of my room earlier when he once more began trying to talk to me, shutting the door against his voice. Hearta was lounging beside me on the narrow bed, and I could feel her breath on my neck.

"You returned." I stated by way of a greeting.

At that she laughed, rolling on top of me and effectively trapping me under her warm weight.

"I never left" she said, pressing her lips to mine and I squirmed - suddenly apprehensive - raising my hands to her shoulders to push her away. But she was having none of that; she caught my wrists and pinned them up above my head, forced a thigh between my legs. And laughed: a thick syrupy sound that seemed to come from deep in her throat. As before, it was contagious, and I found myself laughing loudly too, at least until she bit my lip sharply and told me to shut up.

"You'll attract someone's attention, just like you did last night." she hissed as I gingerly felt my injured lip with my tongue, the coppery taste of blood seeping into my mouth.

"You were laughing too." I protested, and maybe the pain was clearing my mind a little because I was suddenly wondering what exactly was going on. I tried to tug my wrists free, but her grip was like an iron vice.

"They'll hear _you_ laughing, but they won't hear _me_." She reassured. The ever logical part of my mind tried to consider the implications of that; could it be some side effect of the Soul Splice that tied me to this damned soul? Was it my training in matters of the arcane? But my attention ultimately drifted to a different question.

"Why are you here?" I heard myself ask.

She let go of my wrists, propping herself up on one arm and wiping a trickle of blood away from my mouth with a slender finger. The finger went to her mouth and she licked the red smear off with a flick of her tongue. Her eyes were still fixed on mine.

"Because you _need_ me, sweetie. All this travelling around with insufferably good people has impaired your ability to act in your own interests." A hand trailed down my neck to the clasp of my cloak, unfastened it. "You're a mess; you spent months in fruitless search for that rogue, and where did that get you? No-one has even thanked you for your efforts. I would never have tolerated that. "

"You would never have adventured with a group such as them." I argued, which brought about another laugh. I struggled to stay silent.

"True, maybe. But don't be so quick to discount what a healthy sense of self-preservation can prompt you to do. Their quest is hardly unimportant. Of course, they're no longer allowing you to help, and after it cost you so much..."

A wave of grief washed over me, and I tensed, fighting back the emotions. She was right of course; having given up my family now meant so much less because the cause for which I had left them was denied to me. I tried to reason with myself that I had furthered the goals of the Order significantly, but the fact remained that I was no longer actively participating. "I had to leave them, I –I couldn't have stayed."

"Hey, it's okay." She cooed, tugging open the collar of my robe and lowering her head to my neck. "You made a sensible decision. But you can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself; now you've got a chance to take back what you lost. And you've got me to help you."

The tongue drawing swirling patterns on my throat was making it had to concentrate. "You think I should try to... regain the love of my mate?" I said disbelievingly. She chuckled at that, and this time I couldn't resist allowing a similar noise to escape me. However she made no effort to silence me.

"Something like that." She said lifting her head momentarily to give a smile that showed a row of oddly sharp teeth.

"How-" I began to ask, but my question turned into a moan as she writhed against me, a moan muffled by soft lips. She took the opportunity to slip her tongue into my partly open mouth. If I had had any further questions, they were quickly forgotten.


	3. Awaking

I was suddenly aware that I was cold, and that I was alone. I tugged at the rough blankets I lay on, pulling them up to cover my bare skin and curled up into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest and shivering. For a moment, I could hear nothing except my own breathing, and I struggled to recall where I was. But slowly my ears began to pick up sounds from the outside world, and memories surged back. Memories of anger, of despair, of warm flesh against warm flesh...

I raised my head, clenching my teeth to stop them chattering, and gazed around the small room. Just as the warmth she had provided was gone as though it had never been, so was the necromancer herself.

All I could think of was that I didn't want to be alone, didn't want to be lost in the silence, I needed something tangible to focus on. I opened my mouth, my throat suddenly dry and my voice cracking. "H-Haerta?"

"Shhh." The ghostly touch of a hand brushed across my face, cool and soft and warm and real and I sunk back down onto the bed.

"Don't leave."

I tried to raise my head again, but my whole body felt impossibly heavy, even my eyelids drifted shut against my will.

On the edge on consciousness I heard a whisper.

"I never did."


End file.
